Choose Your Hat!!

Empowering Women to Live an Authentic, Abundant Life

With all the “hats” that women wear, it takes a mindful effort to take care of ourselves. While we are busy taking care of everyone else, we often put our own mental, physical, and spiritual health on the back burner for a “better time”. While this may seem admirable, we are actually living a “less than abundant” life.

We get caught up in the flawed thinking that everyone else is more important and putting ourselves last is what a good wife/mom/daughter/employee does. It is NOT what a “good” woman does but rather what a woman who listens to the generational jargon of our mothers, grandmothers, mentors, and society. But we are missing the boat. We are half full and burning the candle at both ends. I could go on with my metaphors, but you get the point. We are not thriving but rather just surviving. While we have the “want to” we so often don’t have the “how to” knowledge.

After taking on a research project and then leading a group of women on a 10-week course, I found some very common denominators among us. Most of us are living someone else’s life. We call this “emotional fusion”. This is where we lose ourselves in someone (or everyone) else’s life. We set aside not only our wants but also our needs, we devalue ourselves and allow others to use us, cross boundaries, and (sometimes) walk all over us. We worry about what others think more than what we may feel, need, or want. We do for others what they can do for themselves, and we deny who we are in the process!

So, how do we jump ship from this titanic? Below are a few simple steps we can take as women to break this cycle.

1. Buy a notebook or journal and begin to write down what you love, what makes you smile, is important and valuable to you. I would also encourage you to write down what you don’t like, what doesn’t feel “good” to you, and what makes you feel sad, unimportant etc. This will take more than one session. Keep a running list and add to it as you recognize more about yourself.

2. Set aside some quiet time and keep a gratitude journal. The amount of time, time of day, and how often, is up to you. The more you do it and feel the benefits of it, the more you will incorporate it into your daily routine. Personally, I write in mine every morning while drinking my coffee, before I start my day (yes, even before I shower).

3. Practice saying “No” and doing so without an explanation. You don’t owe an explanation to everyone about everything. For example, when you are asked to make goodies for a fundraiser in what will be a crazy-busy week and you dread it before even answering the question, then simply say, “No. Not this time. But thanks for thinking me”. See how this empowers you even as you read it? Now, what if you really WANT to make those goodies? Then by all means, say “yes”. My point is, value yourself enough to do what is best for you. Of course there is a balance, like everything in life. And I truly believe in responding with kind respect, but you don’t need to always say “yes” when your body, mind and heart says “NOOOOOOO, not again!”

4. Stop doing for others what they can do for themselves. Another author coined this as “over functioning”. Now, again, there can, and should, be a balance. But that balance is up to you. I believe that we SHOULD help others and it is gratifying to be able to do so, but not so much that our own health and happiness suffer.

5. Take time to do something you love or that makes you feel happy, calm, rejuvenated, empowered (and more). Remember #1 above? Go to that list. How often? This is up to you. My recommendation is to do it DAILY. It doesn’t have to be a big thing every day. For me, I love to listen to music while I walk my dog every morning. This allows me to focus and prepare for the day. It also allows me time to appreciate nature, get some fresh air and wave at my neighbors. Your “something” may change daily. The point is, do something that nurtures YOU!

Honoring ourselves and living authentically involves respecting and negotiating our needs and wants at home, work and in important relationships. Once you begin putting this into practice, it will empower you to do it more often. Take time to think about yourself and do something about it! Once you are finished reading this, I challenge you to think to yourself, “when did I feel most alive this past week and when did I feel the most life draining out of me?” You can use this as a springboard to set the “New You” into motion. It is time that we start to value ourselves enough to take care of ourselves. It’s like the airline attendant announces, “put your oxygen mask on before helping others” because we can’t be at our BEST if we are empty, angry, exhausted and living someone else’s life.

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